Want to have a laugh? Welcome to the official joke posting thread!

What do you call a bear without an ear?

A B!

A TV!

Pokemon!

Pikachu!

Mamoswine flu!

So a blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk in a bar... (stick with me)
The barkeep says there's a magic mirror in the bathroom that if you state the truth in front of it, you'll get a wish. But if you lie, you will disappear.
The Redhead walks in and says "I think I'm the smartest woman in the world." POOF! She Disappears.
The Brunette walks in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.* POOF! she disappears.
The blond walks in and says "I think-" POOF!

How does a blondes' braincells die?

Alone

A physics professor and his assistant were working on a liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ion, when all of a sudden his assistant says, "Wait professor! What if the salidcyclic acids don't accept the hydroxyl ions?"

And the professor responds: "That's no hydroxyl ion THAT'S MY WIFE!"

Lol funny Here is another one...
The red house is made of red bricks.
The yellow house is made of yellow bricks.
The blue house is made of blue bricks.
The purple house is made of purple bricks.
What is the green house made of?

Glass

"Get this" a guy said to his buddies, "Last night while I was at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his buddies asked. "Yeah; a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

St. Peter saw a teacher, a garbageman, and a lawyer approaching the Pearly Gates. He told them to get into Heaven they would have to answer one question each.
St. Peter asked the teacher, "what ship crashed into an iceberg and killed many people?" The teacher replied, "the Titanic." St. Peter remarked, "you may pass."
St. Peter thought he better make the next question harder, so he asked the garbageman, "how many people died from the wreck of the Titanic?" The garbageman thought for a moment and said, "about 1,500." St. Peter was surprised, and said, "you may pass."
He looked at the lawyer, and said now time for YOUR question.

Name everyone that died.
~
What do you call 3,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?.. A water bottle already hit Justin Bieber.

The old man placed an order for a hamburger, french fries, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted the french fries, dividing them into two little piles, and placed one in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip of the drink, then placed the cup on the table. All around them, people were whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking 'That poor old couple; they can only afford one meal to split between them'.
As the man began to eat his french fries, a young man came up to them and politely asked to buy them another meal. The man said they were fine-they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed that the little old lady hadn't taken a bite of her meal. She just sat there, Watching her husband, and occasionally taking a sip of the drink.
Again the young man came over, and begged that they let him buy them another meal. The old lady smiled, and said 'No, thank you, we're used to sharing everything.
As the old man finished his meal, the young man came over again, and asked the old lady, who had yet to take a bite of her meal,'What are you waiting for?'. She answered.....



'The Teeth.'

This is a Yo Momma Joke and a Blonde Joke. Don't be offended, and they're quite old, too.

"Yo Momma is soo dirty, she has to pour sal****er down her pants to keep the crabs fresh."

"A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were running from the police. They all went and decided to hide in the mall. The redhead hid in the dogs, the brunette in the cats, and the blond in the potatoes. The cops went to the dogs first. They poked them and the redhead said 'Woof woof' and the cops moved on. They went to the cats and poked them. The brunette said 'Meow meow' and they moved on again. They stopped near the potatoes and poked them by accident and the blond said 'Potatoes potatoes.'"

What kind of gun would be best to kill a mime with?

One with a silencer.

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

I've got another one:

The Three Little Pigs Decided to go to a restaurant. They sit down at a table and after a moment the waiter came and asked what they would like to drink:

"I'd like a sprite." Said one, "I'll have a coke." said the second, "I want beer, lots and lots of beer!" Says the third.

So the waiter bought them their drinks, and then asks them what they would like to eat:

"I'll have a salad." says one, "I'll have a steak." says the second, "I want beer, lots and lots of beer!!" says the third.

So the waiter brought them there meals, and, a few minutes later, he came and asked them what they wanted for dessert:

"I'll have a sundae." says one, "I'll have a slice of cake." says the second, "I want beer, Lots and LOTS of Beer!!!" says the third.

"Pardon me for asking," says the waiter, "But why do you keep ordering beer?"

"Well, Somebody's got to go wee wee wee all the way home!"

Woo super offensive joke

Okay, so three blondes were stranded on an island, and they find a Genie. The Genie says "I will grant each of you one wish" The First Blonde said "I wish I was smart." The Genie turns her into a Brunette and she swims off the island. The second Blonde said "I wish I was smarter then the first Blonde." She turns into a Black-Haired woman, builds a boat, and sails of the island. The third Blonde says "I wish I was smarter than the other two." The Genie turns her into a man and he walks across the bridge.

Please don't hurt me.

I made this one up:

What do you call a ShamWow that doesn't work?

Shampoo

So, there's this dude, and he's talking to his friends. He says, "Cheryl wants a big diamond for her wedding ring." "Why?" asks one. "Well," dude continues, "diamonds are forever." "So?" starts another friend. "You know what else is forever? A plastic bag! Go to market, boom! There's 24 carrots up in there!" Dude and Cheryl broke up later tomorrow.

Lolz, I know a whole bunch of bad jokes from 7th period. :u Not gonna post them here.

  

    
    Redneck Letter 1    
    
  

  

  
Dear Redneck Son,



I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.



We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.



I won't be able to send you the address because the last Alabama family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.



This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.



The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.



About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.



John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.



Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....



Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.



There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.



Love, Mom



P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

  

    
    Redneck Letter 2    
    
  

  

  
Dear Son:



Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.



We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.



On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain and get fresh water for the other foot.



Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.



Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.



Maw

From the vlog brothers!

Billy was a chemist's son, but Billy is no more. For what Billy thought was H20 (Water) was H2SO4 (Sulphuric Acid)

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil walked on the moon, while Michael touched little kids.

How do you kill an elephant. Elephant gun. How do you kill a blue elephant? Blue elephant gun. How do you kill a red elephant? Choke it till its blue, and use a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a purple elephant? You retard, there are no purple elephants!

What's the different between kinky and perverted? Kinky is just a feather. Perverted is the whole chicken.

P.S., Kurusu got his from from the same guy.

And now for a few golf jokes:

4 engineers were golfing at the local club. They came to the 15th hole, which was a long dogleg right, 450-yard par-4. On the second shot of the hole, the first golfer walked around and looked at everything in the area, took out a piece of paper and looked at it, got out a calculator and figured something on it, and got set for his shot. He sat and looked at his watch for about 2 minutes, and then hit the shot.
The ball went over the fence and bounced off the pavement, collided with the hubcap of a tour bus going 60 mph, and spun wildly back out onto the fairway and onto the green 275 yards away.
His friends all stared in amazement. One of them asked, "How the heck did you do that?!?"
"Well," he said, "it helps to know the bus schedule."
---
A doctor and a lawyer met up in the clubhouse after a round of golf. The doctor said, "Hey, how's your golf game these days?"
"Not bad. I'm finally shooting in the mid-seventies," said the lawyer.
"Honestly?" the doctor asked.
The lawyer replied, "What's that got to do with it?"
---
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As hours pass she gets more and more concerned until finally, at 8 p.m., he pulls into the driveway.
"Where the heck have you been?" the wife exclaims. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Larry had a heart attack on the 5th hole." the husband explained.
"Oh, that's terrible!" the wife said.
"I know," said the husband, "All day long is was hit the ball, drag Larry, hit the ball, drag Larry..."
---
2 old friends were enjoying a round of golf, but one kept losing his ball. The first guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a green ball. He hands it to his friend and says, "Hey, why don't you try this ball? You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?"
The first man replies, "It's a special ball. If you hit it into the woods it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it in the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
His friend is amazed at all the features of this golf ball.
"Wow!" He exclaimed, "That's incredible! Where did you get it?"
His friend says, "I found it."
---
(you might have to be a golfer to understand this next one)

Two guys were on the green of the 12th hole getting set to putt. Out of nowhere a golf ball comes bounding at them and stopped 4 inches from the cup. One of the guys said, "Watch me have a little fun with this guy." And with that, he tapped the ball into the hole with his putter. A few seconds later a guy appeared.
"Hey, look mister!" said the golfer, "You got the ball into the cup!"
The other golfer started jumping up and down and yelled back, "Hey guys! Hurry up and come over here to see this!!! I got a ten!"


That's all for now, my fingers are tired.

Heh. Honestly, I didn't get the second one Flame said, but the last one was the only one where I literally lol'd.

So, there is this ship. They are in the Spanish Armada. The skipper comes into the captain's quarters and says, "Captain, there is an enemy ship on horizon!" Captain says, "Skipper, bring me my red shirt." Skipper does so, but wonders why the whole time. Captain gets his red shirt, and then, the fight begins. They fight bravely, and the captain's ship wins and sinks the foe. Afterwards, Skipper goes to Captain, and says, "Captain, why did you request your red shirt before battle broke?" He replies, "Because then, if I was shot, the crew wouldn't notice, and would continue to fight." "This," Skipper replies, "is very gallant, sir." Next week, Skipper comes to captain, and says, "Captain, 25 ships on horizon!" Skipper," Captain starts, "bring me my brown pants!"